Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt star Tituss Burgess just released a red wine called Pinot By Tituss. Since I had written about the pinot noir before, I scored an invite to its launch party. Little did Tituss's PR people know that I am not nearly cool enough for a launch party.

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Busy pretending I'm cool enough to be here.Credit: tyler essary/mashable

In my mid-20s, I've become more like a woman in her mid-70s. I spend most nights in bed watching reruns of Modern Family and petting my faux fur throw blanket, because I can't take responsibility for an actual pet.

But this night, April 5, would be different. I was going to a launch party -- and dammit, I was going to stay awake the whole time.

The night called for a red carpet, wine tasting and drag show. I called for a big serving of noodles to prepare myself for a night of drinking and a coffee to keep me alert. 

I could do this, though. For Tituss.

I invited my friend Bill, as I knew he could help me describe the wine's taste without it being clouded by my unrefined palate. I also had Mashable photographer Tyler join in on the fun, since I'd need pictures both for this article and for my Tinder profile.

Pictured: Bill and me. Not pictured: our coffee cups, which we hid at our feet.Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

My first thought upon entering the party -- held at The Box in New York City -- was that I was severely underdressed. Everyone around us was in shiny pants and heels. And yes, that includes the men.

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLECredit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

The bar was an obvious first stop -- and the Pinot by Tituss was flowing. Bill and Tyler grabbed wine while I drank a free vodka soda, mainly because it's the hard liquor version of rosé -- the wine of basic bitches, otherwise known as my people.

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

Upon tasting the pinot, Bill had a few thoughts. 

"It's so sweet, like a dessert wine," he said. "It has strong athletic legs wrapped in lacy gauze. Plus, it's the color of a cherry Jolly Rancher."

I was worried my confidant Bill may be drunk already. 

Full disclosure: This glass of wine belonged to Tyler and I didn't drink it. I also look dead in the eyes.Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

As we sipped our drinks, I felt like I was the needle in a haystack of super cool people. At one point, I lost my crew and got stuck behind a large drag queen. 

When I thought it over, though, that seemed like an okay way to die.

Tyler, Bill and I were then ushered to the 'red carpet' -- a.k.a. a living room carpet placed in front of a Tituss-themed backdrop -- to get photos of the event's celebrity guests.

Finally, the king himself arrived.

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Tituss was here.

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLECredit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

Moments after his photoshoot, Tituss's publicist approached me and asked if I'd like to to talk to him.

And then he was in front of me, looking dashing in his sparkly blazer.

He told me that the pinot was inspired by his Kimmy Schmidt song, but that it came to fruition thanks to his fans. He was clearly excited about his product -- so excited in fact, that he gave me a big hug. Me! 

Credit: tyler essary/mashable

Other celebrities came and went on the makeshift red carpet, including several actresses from Orange is the New Black and reality star -- and brother to Ariana -- Frankie Grande. There were also faces I didn't recognize, but I could tell they were famous because of how good they smelled.

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLECredit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

At one point, Frankie walked passed me and said, "This is quite the ordeal!"

I don't think he was referring to my nails. (I had chewed off half my manicure.) But I made sure to hide the evidence of my destroyed polish anyway.

One attendee wore a v-neck tee that showed most of his chest. I couldn't help but think it'd be great for breastfeeding. 

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLECredit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

Later, Tituss's boyfriend Pablo approached me and introduced himself. He asked if I'd tried the wine yet.

"Of course!" I lied. 

I'm sorry for my sins. Please forgive me.

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

As Tituss hit the stage to thank everyone for attending and to introduce the drag show, I couldn't help but wonder how many denim-clad penises had rubbed against me in the tight crowd thus far. 

I also couldn't stop thinking about my full bladder, and I was yawning incessantly. 

It was only 10:48 p.m.

Tituss exclaimed that one of his female reps has "a bigger penis than anyone I've ever f*cked," then shouted, "I'm gonna black out!" It was actually charming. The guy is seriously adorable; I'd bring him home to my mom if he'd let me. The only disappointing thing about his appearance: He didn't actually sing "Peeno Noir."

Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLECredit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

After he exited the stage, a drag queen with a Calvin and Hobbestattoo danced to Cher and I danced my way back to the bar for one more drink. 

It was free. I couldn't help myself.

Then the night came to a close, and so did the bar. 

Having fun? In distress? Gotta pee? You decide.Credit: TYLER ESSARY/MASHABLE

While Pinot by Tituss is sweet, as is its namesake, the victory of surviving a weeknight event is even sweeter. I gained confidence throughout the evening, boosting my overall self esteem both as a member of the press and as a human being. 

Plus, nothing has ever been more of a relief than finally relieving myself once I got home. 

If I learned anything, it's that my unbreakable bladder is strong as hell.

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TopicsNew York City

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